I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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