why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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