Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
