My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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