before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
