Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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