Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
