I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
