Don't make out with my wife yet
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
