U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
