last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
