my phone needs a breathalizer
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
