first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
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