I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
