I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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