well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
