So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
