so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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