I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
