i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
