I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just had sex on a roof
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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