i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
