So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
