i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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