I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
