He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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