I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
