every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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