My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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