why do cheetos always look like penises
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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