he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
