I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
