Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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