ya dads aren't the best wingmen
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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