i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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