Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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