Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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