my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
