if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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