he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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