You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
