Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
