My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
