I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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