In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
