I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
