Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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