just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
