I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I got her a Nickelback box set.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
