Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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