Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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